Funny people tweet the darndest things

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Need a good laugh? You’ve come to the right place! We have stalked Twitter and selected some of today’s funniest and most awkward tweets from our panel of funny people.

With any luck, we’ll leave you laughing all the way to…well…wherever it is you should be right now!

I love Broadway musicals. It's so exciting to see a shitty movie from twenty years ago LIVE!

— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) March 12, 2012!/BorowitzReport/status/179223005547868160

Twitter is weird: the funniest people are often the saddest, the craziest are sometimes the sanest, and the happy ones just stop showing up.

— Zack (@wheatnik) March 12, 2012

Somewhere right now Paris Hilton is doing huge lines of cocaine with an empty paper towel roll b/c delis won't even sell her fragrance.

— tequilatears (@TequilaTears) March 12, 2012

You're playing LMFAO really loud, but all we hear is 'Desperate and I Know It.'

— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) March 12, 2012

I always shake someone's hand when I meet them for the first time, though I would much rather suck their toes instead.

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 12, 2012

Inspiration follows aspiration… but aspiration doesn’t follow back because he thinks those cheesy internet quotes are annoying.

— Jamie Capria (@MrFornicator) March 12, 2012!/TheBoyPosts/status/179225020059496448

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 12, 2012

If you don't have kids, you don't know the simple joy of seeing those sweet faces in the school bus window leaving you alone for 6 hours.

— Not JPo (@NotJPo) March 12, 2012

If it wasn't for the two drink minimum I think most comedians would suck.

— Shane (@shanethevein) March 12, 2012

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